December, while in Michigan I dealt with something I knew that was overdue. My heart. For several months I had been having chest pain. That kind like an elephant is sitting on your chest, there is a squeezing inside and even though air is all around you, it actually feels invisible. I could not breath.
The test run due to my symptoms and a family history of heart problems, did not satisfy the doctor. The little lines on the chart were not how they should be. Now, I do not have the space in this blog to share the crazy, mixed emotions I felt going to a cardiologist at 35 years old. Nor the breakdown I had driving home after those little lines on my chart were "wrong." Nor how all the posters on the office wall about heart disease and so on makes you think about dying and what is important in this life. What I will tell you is the second group of tests came back "normal." I am only grateful they prove all is well and God is (again) my healer.
But what was not normal the doctor said was what I do for a living. In a combination of words something like, missionary + trafficking + children + red light district + foreign field = a blank stare from the doc and a long, silent pause.
He summed up that this work of mine, although called by God, and although rewarding, needed a prescription = Rest, do less, debrief, take more time off, rest, process, have fun, and did I say rest?
Following the doctors orders to take better care of myself, I made many changes in my daily routine and I decided to go to another type of doctor for a very different issue. I will leave the details to a minimum, but I have been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Basically, I have several cysts on both ovaries.
It is not life threatening and it is treatable with medication, diet and exercise. It causes some minor to major pain and on my worst days I cannot leave the house because of it. My days recently have been long, activities limited, and emotional. Honestly, I have been sad in the processing. It was emotional enough just to have the news, but I was sent over the edge with the doctor's postmark- Oh and P.S. " many women who have this, have difficulty having children..." Really? (Oh...thanks doc, I haven't gotten that far in life yet.)
Fair to say, I think the majority of women at my age who have yet to birth children would have heard that like a scream. And that is hard to process.
I have since learned much about this condition and that many women go on to be healthy and have children. That much is hopeful and I trust that it will be if it be God's will for me. I have also come to another conclusion in that this will be a season of rest.
That does not mean I am stopping ministry or quitting, it simply means, I must be more restful and take care of myself. It means I will anchor myself into God and His love for me. It means that I will stop and remember that my priority is to be a daughter. Not a missionary, a minister, or a do-er.
My priority is to be His daughter. I will rest, be still and know this.
God chose us to belong to Christ before the world was created. He chose us to be holy and without blame in his eyes. He loved us. So he decided long ago to adopt us as his children. He did it because of what Jesus Christ has done. It pleased God to do it. All those things bring praise to his glorious grace. God freely gave us his grace because of the One He loves. Ephesians 1:4-6 NIRV
To my friends and supporters, I thank you for always lifting me before the throne of grace. You are a beautiful community of support and encouragement. I welcome your prayers in this time of rest, transition, and healing for my body. I thank God for you all.